Coercion for sex while dating is not just bad it’s a violation of trust between partners. Granted, sex in relationships is important, but not important enough to dictate your future together. “But I bought you a nice dinner. Surely, you can return the favor by giving me a good time”. That toxic masculinity dripping from every word is what makes women scared of dating. Accepting a drink at the bar doesn’t mean you owe the other person sex. Going out for dinner or the movies doesn’t mean it would end in sex. How many women have landed in a situation when an invitation for coffee at home was interpreted as an invitation for sex? Feeling pressurized to have sex is one of the worst things that can happen to a woman.
You Don’t Really Have To Have Sex While Dating
If someone doesn’t want to be kissed on the cheek after a date, take a hike. If you have been dating for months, and your girlfriend is not comfortable in “taking it to the next level”, she is not being a prude or a tease. Male entitlement in dating stops with a “NO”. The importance of sex in a relationship should never be confused with it being a prerequisite to a couple staying together. If your advances are not appreciated take a hint and step back. What date to have sex depends on the woman as much as it depends on the man. The entitlement to ever think you are owed sex for just being a man is shocking. We have all faced it, lived it, smacked off a man’s arm off our knee, yelled, cried, reported – all seems vain when most men do not have the intelligence or common decency to accept a polite answer. Being coerced into having sex in a relationship red flag and an absolute deal-breaker.
So What Do You Do When Your Choice Of Having Sex Is Not Respected Enough?
There are steps you can take to ensure that men do not ever think that you owe them sex. You have to mentally condition yourself to know how to deal with men when they come to you with their expectations. Does dating involve sex? Yes. But only when you’re ready. You can’t be pressurized into being ready. Ensure you are following these steps, and asserting yourself to define sexual boundaries:
1. Do not give importance to his ego
It is easy to say that a man’s ego is fragile, which when broken makes him see red. There is too much undue importance attached to the male ego (of course, not all men have eggshells for their egos.) The deep entrenchment of toxic masculinity into society empowers them and provides the audacity to question the validity of women’s consent to sex than men’s persistence for sex. A lot of men believe if they persist long enough, women will finally say yes. And a lot of women do. Some out of frustration. Some say yes because they do not want the relationship to end. But it always ends in the woman feeling helpless, without a way out for herself.
2. You do not owe an explanation for your “no”
Men want reasons for the “No”. They want solid explanations for not being given sex. Apparently, “I don’t want to”, “I do not feel comfortable” are not good enough. Attempts to rape are often seen as revenge for the hurt ego; the reason why many women just “go along with it” instead of liking it. The fear of sexual violence can be found everywhere. But no one should be able to coerce you into doing something you are not comfortable with. It could be drinking, smoking, dancing or sex. You don’t owe anyone any explanation for why you are not doing it.
3. Make it clear that dating is not a transaction
If you are being constantly told you owe them sex because you are dating, don’t ignore the red flags in the relationship. Dating and having sex aren’t necessarily co-dependent! If your partner doesn’t get it, don’t hold back in schooling him about the concept of ‘consent in dating’. Many men believe dating is a transaction. He spends money on her, and she returns the favor by offering sex in return. Except that is not how it works, not in a healthy partnership at least. Having sex while dating is something that is supposed to be intimate and special, not just a ‘payback’. You can’t owe anyone sex. Physical intimacy can only come with a comfort level that you achieve emotionally. Unless you have reached that level you cannot rush it. If your man feels that the word “dating” comes with the given that you will be physically intimate right from the get-go and that’s not what you want, then just make it clear it’s not going to happen. This is also a great way of finding out his true intention.
4. Don’t indulge
It’s one thing if you have consented to a friend with benefits arrangement with someone, but outside of it, there is no reason why a male friend should assume that your bonhomie can lead to some good time in bed. If they do, you need to put your foot down and take a step back. Irina, 25, had a friend coming into town from Bangalore. Over a telephone conversation, she learned the friend wants her to stay in the hotel with him. When she said she could not, his response was, “Don’t worry. The first night we can just talk.” Shocked and repulsed, she tried to make him understand that she was not interested in him sexually, to which he replied, “But I am”. In course of the conversation that lasted about 45 minutes, he went on to tell her that he would be coming to town for her, that he liked her a lot, all the while trying to convince her to turn her NO into a YES. Dating and having sex is one thing, but not being interested AT ALL is another. She was surprised that her friend had no awareness about boundaries or the fact that he was violating them. Needless to say, Irina stuck to her no.
5. Don’t cave in
Do not cave in, no matter what. It is not called being a tease. It is exercising your right to choose. In a relationship, if your man’s need to have sex is a sword of Damocles hanging over your head, you need to reassess your relationship. If he is constantly asking when you can sleep together, it’s another relationship red flag that you shouldn’t ignore. Throw him and his hyper-masculinity out before it pushes you to do something you’re not ready for. Remember: It’s never too late to change your mind and back out. Having sex while dating is fun and enjoyable for a woman only when she does it according to her will and pace. Saying no to sex is seen as a personal rejection and saying no might lead to a heated conversation. No matter the cost, stick to your decision. If it ends the relationship, then trust us when we say good riddance. You want and deserve a partner who will love and cherish you for who you are and not just for your body.
