This is not to say that I have never had sex before. I have had boyfriends, I have been married, I have been a mother too, but with Agnish (name changed) I realized that I knew so little about my own body. I belong to a generation where no one talked about the fact that women crave masturbation and we were told that exploring your own body is shameful. These notions were so ingrained in my head that they prevented me from taking control of my sexuality. I realized Agnish knew more about my vagina than I did myself. (As told to Shanaya Agarwal)
I didn’t know If I had a G spot
There’s always a debate about a woman’s G spot whether it exists or if it does, where does it exist? Well, if only more women would masturbate, they wouldn’t have to depend on a partner to find out. And apparently, I heard the G spot orgasm was the best orgasm and you could have multiple G spot orgasms. I only read about that and saw it on YouTube tutorials and wondered if I had one. A G spot, I mean. There has always been a lot of confusion about the same. Where is the G spot? And what does it actually do? The first day Agnish and I made out, he just plunged his fingers into my vagina and within moments an orgasm had hit me like a storm. Did this actually happen because he had discovered my G spot? “What did you do? Tell me what did you do?” I screamed in ecstasy. He said with a smile, “I found your G spot.” “Where is it?” I asked. “I could feel it, it’s maybe 2 inches inside,” he laughed. “Thank you! Thank you! for finding it. I never knew I had one. I feel absolutely amazing.” I hugged him tightly. “Does it really feel good?” Agnish asked. “I have never in my life felt this way before. It’s magical,” I said. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. This was an experience I never thought I could have. I couldn’t imagine that I had to wait for 35 years to discover a part of my own body. I suppose the G spot really does exist.
The nightmare of sex before
My husband (now divorced) was the laziest man in bed. He was so lazy that he wouldn’t even want to enter me. He just did not consider it important. All he would want was for me to play with his organ and make him come. Sometimes he would fiddle with my clitoris and I would come. But gradually I became so bored with this whole sham of having sex, I didn’t even want him to bother with me. I gave him what he wanted and turned away and slept off. Then my daughter was born through IVF. My husband was happy he did not have to put in that extra effort to have a child. After the baby was born I did become averse to sex but as days went by I realized it was not actually a complete aversion to the concept of sex itself. I just abhorred the idea of having it with my husband. Gradually, I realized that the problem did not lie in the act or in my husband. I actually wanted to explore, more than ever. I wanted to feel pleasure.
The memories of my first love kept coming back
I was 15 and madly in love with this boy of 16. It was my first love. The first time we made out it was on the stairs to the terrace. It was heady, it was crazy. He rubbed his stiff organ against my clitoris and I came. It was a memory I could never forget. It is not possible to forget your first time. I didn’t know what physical chemistry meant then but we knew we were totally into each other and our hormones made a mad rush every time we made out. Once again our social conditioning came in the way and we were too scared to go all the way. We were together for five years and just a kiss turned us on; we never actually felt the need to have sex. But I moved cities and we lost touch. I had fallen for someone in college but it just fizzled out. It didn’t even go to the kissing stage of the relationship. I always wanted to but he was so conservative that I felt scared to take the first step and felt he would judge me. He was so busy reading out his poems and short stories to me. It never occurred to him that it could be nice to punctuate it with a kiss. The memories of my first love started coming to me every single day. Till I started living in that memory, sometimes having orgasms in my sleep. I guess it was time to quit my marriage.
I should have had sex before marriage
It was an arranged marriage but we did have arranged dating for six months. Whenever I asked my fiancé to have a day out in some resort he would say he would only take me out on a proper honeymoon. It was fun to wait, he insisted. I was dumb to not understand what lay ahead for me. Now, I realize I should have insisted on having sex before marriage, then I would have known how lazy he was. It was not that he was physically inept but sex felt like a task to him and discovering a woman’s body, a time-taking exercise. Forget putting in the effort to understand how to find the G spot, he wasn’t even up for the run-of-the-mill intercourse. I did not know men like this existed until I married one.
I didn’t know women ejaculate
Agnish and I met at work. It was plain lust from day one. I was attracted to him in a way I cannot explain. He seemed to have awakened a side of me that had been dormant for a long time. I kept fantasizing about him, made out with him in my dreams. I knew the attraction was mutual because of the way he looked at me. Then I was bold enough to tell him one day that I wanted to be in bed with him. He told me he felt the same. The first time he touched me it was like electricity passing through my body. Then I realized the bed was wet and I was totally confused if I had wetted myself during the session. Agnish said, “You came like a jet.” “What??!!” I exclaimed. “Yes, G spot orgasm often leads to a liquid coming out of the vagina. This is how a woman ejaculates,” he answered. “Really? I didn’t know,” I said and started laughing. How to find the G spot seemed like a child’s play for Agnish. Every session we have is like a discovery now. No two times are ever the same. They are never redundant, plain or boring. I didn’t know what my vagina could do for me, the feelings my erogenous zones could give me or what a high a man’s organ inside me can give. I had finally discovered that my G spot existed. What was even better, that I met a man who knew just how to deal with it and make me feel beautiful. Sometimes I even feel I am in a perpetual state of orgasm. Our relationship has now moved from lust to love. This is another thing I didn’t know. It is possible to move in the reverse direction. You can first have sex and then fall in love gradually. Pleasure truly can lead to greater things and a higher form of intimacy.
